on 6 March 2023
Dear all at IPC,
There are different types of criticism and some are more easy to cope with than others: hostile criticism, negative criticism, public criticism, constructive criticism, there is even such a thing as critical criticism.
The first thing to say on criticism is that it’s inevitable. If you seek to do anything in life, criticism will come. In fact, if anything is worth doing it’ll garner criticism. No matter how much you try, you cannot and you should not insulate yourself from criticism,
The truth is that all of us find criticism difficult. If you are anything like me your initial response to criticism is often pretty ungodly and I find it tempting to climb up on my defensive high horse. Tragically, criticism can be devastating and send us into a spiral of self pity.
The reaction to criticism is in a similar way to grief as it moves through various stages. After devastation it can turn to anger: “who do they think they are”; “they couldn’t be more wrong”; “don’t they realise how hurtful this is”; “couldn’t they let this go”; “if they knew what I had to put up with”. I read recently someone talking about the trauma of criticism and that might be too strong a word. But for some of us reading these words there will be times when criticism has had that stinging effect.
The anger often subsides but the temptation can then be to put the person into the relational deep freeze. We avoid them, there’s no hostility but we just let them feel the cold for a while. I think tragically this happens in lots of churches. There’s a relational frostiness and the thought of greeting that person warmly as the Apostle Paul instructs us in 2 Corinthians 13:12 causes to go through all sorts of anxiety on a Sunday morning. There’s not a cross word, just a deliberate avoidance, making sure paths don’t cross, sometimes awkward pleasantries but no real conversation. We need to be aware that it’s easier to put someone out in the cold in a larger church, though it often happens in small congregations too.
When criticism has the effect like the above we need to realise that something is not right. We’ve not fully understood what God has done for us in Christ: our identity is bound up in him and his work. Criticism can be devastating. It often uncovers that I have made how I’m perceived and even my performance an idol. We can get to the stage where we’ve allowed ourselves to become so fragile that even the slightest criticism cracks our shell.
It is a huge danger sign particularly in church leadership when someone is unable to accept any criticism.
The gospel allows us to accept criticism, it doesn’t stop it being painful but it does cease to devastate us. I am accepted in Christ despite this criticism. My self worth is not found in the approval of others but in the approval of God which does not change depending on my performance. It’s wonderfully liberating. Our motivation instead of being based on insecurity and fear and trying to project an image to other people is based on thankful joy for what God has done in Christ. We recognise that we are sons of the father, the bride of the bridegroom and servants of the master. It’s our privilege that we get to serve and minister for him.
The Christian can accept criticism, knowing that if the other person knew the real truth about us they could say far worse. The joy of the Christian is that God knows the absolute worst about us and yet has given his Son for us that we could be his cherished children.
We can weigh criticism, proverbially spitting out the bones and taking the truth. I have found in my ministry that even unfair and unjust criticism has had an element of truth in it that I have needed to face. I’ve not particularly liked that discovery!
I want to plead with us at IPC that when criticism comes to us, that we don’t distance ourselves from the person. Make a point of deliberately praying for that person during the week, even if it’s painful, When you see them in a church do go and speak to them. Refuse to let any root of bitterness grow up (Hebrews 12:15), it will only harm you and then harm the church. Lean into that person not away – show them hospitality – God will give you grace and help to love that person well. Apply the gospel to that person as well as yourself.
I think we can get to the point where we can give thanks for the criticism and what God has taught us through it.
It’s certainly been my experience that I have learnt a great deal through criticism, painful though it has been. The right kind of criticism from those that care about us we should welcome. In fact we never want to become a church where people tread on eggshells around us and are fearful of voicing concerns and the backlash they may receive, or fear being stuck in the fridge.
Your Minister and friend,
Paul